“911, what’s your emergency?”
“HELP! I need the Jaws-of-Life… and an air-ambulance, NOW!”
Alright, let’s back up a second and give some context to this 911 call that may or may not have ALMOST happened, (leaving plenty of room for plausible deniability).
We all see the warning signs posted along the roadways, the pictures, the slogans, all designed to remind motorists, bicyclists and pedestrians to be aware of the possible dangers around them. But what would happen if those warnings weren’t there?
The following is a horrific incident involving a man, trapped in metal confines, not knowing if he’ll ever escape; and time is running out!
*WARNING: Read at your own discretion:
Looks like you ignored the warning so:
There I was, standing at the porcelain altar finishing up a colloquial number one. A lot was going through my mind as I had just one hour to complete a plethora of chores before my wife, Cindy, returned home.
“Why the rush?”, you might ask. Well, when I need to get things done, I don’t have time for ‘Safety Meetings’, ‘Equipment Safety Checks’ and ‘Physics Lessons’ as required by the household self-appointed Safety Director. The Safety Director was due home in one hour, coincidentally, the same time as my wife…. okay, they’re the same person.
I needed to use an old rickety ladder and a variety of power tools which apparently require diagrams, equipment inspections, safety nets and mathematical equations.
Now, I’ll admit that I have undoubtedly earned the extra scrutiny regarding the safe use of ladders and power… “AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!”
Seriously!!? All that was needed was a quick tuck and a zip. But I missed with the tuck and hit with the zip and now I’m on my knees blubbering. To give you an accurate visual, since I know you’re all forming one anyway, think of Christopher Reeves as Superman in ‘Superman The Movie’. The scene where he’s on his knees with Lois Lane’s lifeless body cradled in his arms. Teary eyed, he looks to the heavens and lets out that iconic anguished scream. That’s exactly what it was like.. only my Lois Lane was a bit smaller.
The pain was excruciating and I was locked into those metal teeth pretty tight. Any movement in any direction sent waves of pain and nausea through me. Despite that, my only thought was, ‘I need to get free of this before Cindy gets home or I’m going to have to have a safety meeting and equipment check every time I use the bathroom.
”Think, think, think. What did I do the last time this happened?’ “Wait, Jason! Did you just say ‘the last time’?” It’s reasonable to assume you’re asking that question. Yeah, it’s happened before. In my panic though, I couldn’t quite remember how I got free the other time(s).
So YES, a 911 call MAY have been put on the back-burner, for a while. My second idea was to get some dental floss, tie one end through the loop on the zipper-pull and the other end to a door knob and slam the door. I remembered as a kid that’s how we’d rip loose teeth.. right.. from.. our.. heads. Nope! That one’s not even going on the back-burner.
As I lay there groveling on the floor like a fox with his “foot” caught in a bear trap, the thought crossed my mind that, honestly, you can never have too many safety reminders. “Click It or Tick It”, “Arrive Alive”, “Don’t Hesitate to Designate”, “Don’t Drink and Drive” are all constant reminders to do something or refrain from something that makes life safer. So why limit them to just the roadways?
Hours ticked by, okay, more like 10 minutes. Time was a little fuzzy. I managed to drag myself across the house to the pantry. I was looking for something, anything to loosen up the zipper teeth. I found some Liquid Wrench and with one spritz of that I instantly felt that soothing feeling of…. setting myself on fire! In the realm of bad ideas, hosing your tenders down with caustic chemicals is at the very top. I had just added insult to injury and 911 was now simmering on the front-burner; allegedly.
Finally, with the use of some dental tools and a great deal of patience, blood, sweat and tears, (so many tears), I was able to slowly and meticulously extricate myself all the while wondering, ‘What ever happened to button-fly jeans?’
As I hyperventilated on the floor in a pool of my own tears, I got myself to thinking a little more about the underutilization of safety slogans. Given the number of mishaps that occur in my bathroom alone should get the safety-slogan people salivating over residential bathroom safety signs. I thought of some slogans myself:
“Completely Tuck or You’ll Get Stuck” “Zip It – Don’t Knick It” “Don’t Zip The Tip” — just to name a few.
But the old saying, “Don’t reinvent the wheel”, also came to mind and I realized a more concise sign already existed.
I never did get any of my chores done that day. I walked with a limp and a whimper for a while but Cindy never caught on and I swore I’d never tell her.
But, if the household self-appointed Safety Director ever reads this, the sign in the photo below will likely be hanging in every one of our bathrooms directly over the toilets.
