I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER
In my 49 years of life, 25 years in law enforcement and 19 years of marriage, I should have known better but:
“Fate is shaped half by expectation, half by inattention.” – Amy Tan, ‘The Joy Luck Club’
I had one goal that day, well two: To save the world in my own little way but, more importantly, to get off work on time. I promised my wife, Cindy, and our kids I’d make it home in time to go to a ‘Back To School’ event and I always keep my promises, (well, not always but that’s a different story for a different time).
This story begins, like all great stories, in the police station restroom. I fully expected to get off work on time with an hour and twenty minutes left in my shift but then, I got a call of an abandoned stolen vehicle out in the middle of nowhere. I adhere to a strict principle to always use the restroom if it’s available, whether I have to or not; you never know when you may get another chance.
I hit the restroom on my way out even though I was strapped for time. Admittedly, I was a bit preoccupied running scenarios through my head on how to get this call done as quickly as possible and still keep my promise. I should have known better but, I overlooked a minor but fatal mistake; fatal to my self-respect that is.
I dashed out of the restroom, jumped in my police-car and took off! This was the hottest day of summer that year and the air conditioner couldn’t keep up with the rising heat in the patrol car. Feeling like a slow roasted chicken, I lowered the driver’s window to circulate some air resulting in a gusting wind of 75….er, 55 M.P.H. into the driver’s window. The blast of warm, dry air was causing some significant wind-burn to the left side of my face, but also had a ‘general’ cooling effect I hadn’t expected.
I finally arrived in the area of the call, there’s nothing around. The area could accurately be described as high-desert with nothing but large rocks, scrub-brush and one tree with one limb, nothing else not even a stolen car! Things are looking up, looks like I’ll get off on time after all. I pulled off the dirt and rock road and pulled up under the only branch of the only tree to take advantage of the four inch strip of shade.
The heat in the car was building, my face was wind-burned, pink and flush, sweat dripping down my face and soaking through my uniform as I leaned forward to check the log for updates on the computer. If I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, I’d be a happy man.
I looked up from my computer screen and saw a Fed-Ex delivery truck coming towards me, out here, in the middle of nowhere? And it’s slowing down as it drifts toward my car; this can’t be good. The delivery truck pulled up next to my car, door to door. The driver, an attractive, perky, middle aged woman, grinning from ear to ear, leaned out of her open door practically sticking her head into my driver’s window and said, in a cheerful but slightly accusatory tone, “Hey officer, what are youuuuuu doing out here… in the middle of nowhere?”
Relieved that the driver had pulled over for nothing more than small-talk, I stammered as I collected my thoughts and began to reply, “Well… Uh… I… had a call…of a, uhh stolen car and I..” I watched as her grin shot forward into pursed lips, she bolted upright in her seat, head snapped forward and she accelerated away leaving me in a cloud of dust. ‘Rude!’, I thought, but then it occurred to me that she clearly thought I was someone else, got embarrassed when she realized I wasn’t who she thought. This is common and understandable since we all wear the same outfit and drive the same car… but her reaction just seemed a bit…over the top.
On my way again, back on the main highway, one mile from the office and 18 minutes left in my shift, I got… ‘What the hell is this? ‘ I observed an old sedan on the right shoulder with the hazard-lights on and two elderly women standing on the shoulder baking in the hot sun. Well, civic duty calls. Despite feeling a bit vexed that my promise may be broken, I managed a mocked smile and exited my car.
Because of the utility belt with all of it’s accoutrements, dangling my arms at my sides is not a comfortable option, crossing my arms would look too officious, so I put my hands on my hips, elbows pointing out. I said, in a mentally rehearsed tone, “Hey ladies, you look really hot, something I can do for you?” (Mental note: I should have known better but, saying “you look really hot” to a woman, even referring to atmospheric temperatures, is a really bad idea!) I realized immediately the words came out of my mouth in an inappropriate and scripted tone.
One of the ladies just looked me up and down with a sneer. ‘This isn’t going well already’, I surmised. Just then, a pickup truck veered out of the traffic lane onto the right shoulder in front of the womens’ car. This can’t be good. The driver, a young man, got out and waved yelling, “Officer, that’s my grandma, I’m here to help her!” Well, things are starting to look up.
The four of us huddled together and came up with a plan, happily that didn’t include me. Sixteen minutes left and…Then, it happened! The young man looked at me in the huddle and said, under his breath, “Officer, can I speak with you in private?” Well this definitely can’t be good!
At the rear of his pickup, the young man seemed nervous. He was looking down, left hand rubbing the back of his neck, right foot sweeping arcs in front of him. He let out some “Umms” and “Uuhhs”. ‘Spit it out man! I only have 14 minutes! ‘ I thought to myself. He finally looked at me and quickly said, “Your fly is open”.
I heard each word he said, it just really didn’t register. I immediately replied with a, “What?”. He repeated, more slowly and deliberately, “Your fly is”, his eyes getting wider as he spoke and made a hen-peck motion towards my waist as if to emphasis the openness of my fly, “OPEN!”
I looked down and, to use the phrase, ‘the barn door is open’ would be a gross inaccuracy. The whole front of the barn was missing! The uniform pants manufacturer, in their infinite wisdom, had created a freakishly long zipper to accommodate the utility belt resulting in an opening you could pass a softball through, (I was flattered that they thought I needed the extra room). Without missing a beat, I looked up at the young man, smiled and said, “That’s just another way for us to keep cool on these really hot days.” He turned and began to walk back to grammie as I looked down at this gaping orifice wondering ‘How?’, ‘When? ‘. Then I realized, distracted, leaving the restroom, I must have… ‘Oh, good heavens!’
The totality of my inattentiveness hit me. I felt a chill running up my spine, the hair on the back of my neck standing up, a lump forming in my throat as tunnel vision began to set in. A parade of images danced to a tune across my brain. The images: <me, sitting in my patrol car, in the middle of nowhere, flush and sweating profusely, with my fly wide open>, to the tune: 🎵 Hey officer! What are youuuuu doing out here…in the middle of nowhere?’ 🎶 Skip a beat to <me standing on the side of the highway in a Superman pose with my superfly open, grinning> to: 🎶 Hey ladies, you look really hot, something I can do for you? 🎵
Somehow, minus a cheesy mustache and a pizza delivery, I managed to turn the last hour and twenty minutes of my shift into a sleazy porno! I had to nip this in the bud. I pulled out my cellphone <beep-boop-beep-beep-boop-boop-beep> ring.. ring: “Hello Sergeant, this is officer Morgan. Just giving you a heads up that some citizens may or may not or absolutely will be calling to file a complaint… oh, about what? Uh…umm, Indecent exposure?, Sexual misconduct? or Lewd and lascivious acts under color of authority? Not really sure, maybe all three so have fun with that” <click> …
In retrospect, I should have peppered that conversation with a few more details but, I didn’t have time! I had eight minutes before the end of my shift and I WAS going to get home on time as expected!
